Big Cat

(Bbbring. Bbbring)

Hello.

Well yes, this is Whipsnade Zoo. How can I help you?

You’ve found a cat?

And you think it might be one of ours?

Well, you see, we don’t tend to specialize in pets, Mrs…. What did you say your name was? Mrs Adams. We tend to be more on the exotic end. You probably want me to get you the number for…

Oh.

It’s not that kind of cat.

What kind of cat is it exactly, Mrs Adams?

A big cat.

Well, now that does sound like something we can help you with Mrs. Adams. How big a cat is it exactly?

I see.

I see.

That does sound big.

No, I think I can safely say that if its longer than your sofa, than Battersea probably won’t be interested.

Okay, well here’s what we’ll do. We’ll send someone over with a tranquiliser gun, but first of all we need to get you safe. Where are you now?

I see.

I see.

Yes, thing is, I’m not sure you should be sitting on it, Mrs Adams.

Well, because its not very safe.

Yes, yes. No, you’re right. I apologize. It does sound a hell of a lot safer than getting off.

Okay, here’s what we’ll do. You stay very calm and try not to make it angry, I’ll get my best men over to you and we’ll try to see if we can recapture it.

Yes, we will use tranquilizers.

Well, no, not horse tranquilizers exactly, but very similar.

No, you can’t have a ‘go’ when we’ve done the ‘kitty’.

Madam, I don’t think you realize the seriousness of this situation. You’re sat on the back of a dangerous animal and unless we get you out of there right now then…

I’m sorry…

I see.

I see.

It’s not that kind of cat either.

Okay. Well, thank you very much for calling.

Yes, we very much appreciate it.

And if you can just give me directions, I’ll send someone to pick up our BigCat earthmover at the earliest convenience.

No.

No, that’s right.

No, I don’t think the tranquilizers will be necessary.

Thank you very much.

Goodbye.