A Piece of the Pie

The three men stared at the pie. It was crisp and golden and glistening with crystalised sugar. Each of them wanted to take the pie and scoff it down in one glorious gulp.

“So, how are we going to divide this up?” asked Thomas. He had a slice in his hand. It would be a matter of moments to split the pie into delicious segments.

Frank looked at him incredulously.

“What do you mean how are we going to divide it up? There’s three of us. So we divide it into three.”

“Ah,” said Thomas waving his pie slice to emphasise the seriousness of the matter, “but what size slices? How should we divide it?”

Frank couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “Evenly,” he said with amazement. “We’ll split it evenly. Why on earth are we even discussing this?”

Jack had been quiet up till now. Observing the two men. Watching the flourishes of the pie slice through the steam of the pie. Now he spoke up.

“Let’s hear Thomas out,” he said.

“Hear him out?” spluttered Frank. “There’s no discussion. We’re splitting the pie evenly and that’s it.”

“What’s your suggestion, Thomas?” asked Jack, ignoring Frank. Thomas smiled.

“Well,” he said, “it’s pretty hard to cut into three even slices. But if I cut it into four, then we can each have a slice and we won’t be arguing about whose slice is largest.”

Jack nodded. “I like it. Very even handed. Frank, what do you think?”

Frank looked uncertain. “I guess that has its merits. What do we do with the remaining slice of the pie?”

“Oh, that’s easy. We can split that down the middle and Jack and I can share it.”

“Now wait a minute. That’s hardly fair.”

Thomas smiled. “It seems fair to me. Jack?”

Jack nodded. “I like the idea. Honestly, Frank, I can’t see why you’re objecting.”

“But…” said Frank. “But…”

“Look,” said Thomas. “I can see your not convinced. So how about we make sure this is objectively fair.”

Frank looked dubious. “Go on?”

“Well,” said Thomas, “the fairest system I know is democracy. So let’s have a vote on it.”

“You want to have a vote,” said Frank slowly, “on whether you two get to have more pie.”

“Yup,” said Thomas. “It’ll be a group decision, and we’ll abide by whatever the result of the vote is. You can’t say fairer than that.”

“I’m pretty certain we can,” said Frank. “I mean, you two will obviously vote yourself more pie. I’m not sure that’s any different to the discussion we’re having now.”

“Ah,” said Thomas, “but it will be the will of the people.”

Frank crossed his arms. “No,” he said. “I’m not having it. You can’t just vote for me to have less pie. That’s not democracy, that’s bullying.”

“We could have a republic,” suggested Jack.

“Which would mean…”

“We nominate one of us to decide how best to allocate the pie.”

“Right,” said Frank, with a feeling he knew which way this was going. “And how would we decide which of us was best qualified to allocate the pie?”

“Well, my vote’s with Thomas,” said Jack smiling. Frank sighed. Somehow, he had thought it would be.

“There’s still other options,” pointed out Thomas. “We could give control to the owner of the means of production. I do, after all, have the pie slice.”

“Or we could go with ‘to each according to his needs, from each according to his ability’” suggested Jack. “That’s got a long and glorious history.”

Frank perked up. “That sounds good. That sounds almost… fair.”

“Excellent,” said Jack, “because I really need more pie. Thomas?”

“Yes,” agreed Thomas. “I need more pie too. Frank, do you think you’re able to give it to us.”

Frank looked on with an air of defeat.

“Right,” he said. “This is ridiculous. It’s obvious that we should just share the pie equally. Give me one reason why you guys should get more.”

“Well,” said Jack thoughtfully. “I did bake the pie.”

“And it’s my house,” said Thomas. “Which means I supplied all the ingredients.”

“Whereas you…” said Jack.

“…sort of turned up unannounced…” pointed out Thomas.

“…just as we were taking the pie out of the oven,” they both said together.

“Oh,” said Frank.

“Oh,” repeated Jack.

“Oh, indeed,” said Thomas.

And then, he took the pie from the table where, while Frank had been distracted, he had cut it into three, perfectly even slices.

“Have some pie,” said Thomas.

And they all agreed, it was delicious.