Three Men On Tour: 23

Harry insisted that George drove us to the hotel. He said that he wanted to make sure everyone got a turn, but it was clearly George’s punishment. The hotel, when we arrived, was stunning. We pulled up a gravel driveway to see something out of Brideshead Revisited: walls green with ivy and flags fluttering from the roof.

“I thought we were getting a Travelodge?“ protested Harry.

“Expense account,“ I explained. “No point slumming it if Jamie’s paying.“

We pulled into the car park, parking the 2CV next to a Mercedes, and headed over to check in. As we approached the entrance, the cars got fancier, and our clothes, by comparison, seemed shabbier.

“Are you sure we’ll be allowed in?“ George asked.

“As long as the bill’s been paid, I don’t think they’d care if we were wearing kimonos,“ I reassured him. “Just act like you expect to be here and it’ll be fine.“

“Should I shout at a few flunkies?“ asked George nervously. “I’m not sure what a flunky looks like, but I’ll shout at one if you think it’ll help. Let them know who’s in charge.“

“You couldn’t take charge if we stuck a battery up your arse,“ put in Harry. “Leave it to me. I’ll show you how it’s done.“

Before we could stop him, Harry was striding through the double doors. By the time we made it into to the lobby, he had had already navigated the pot plant jungle and was looking smug by the check in desk.

“I hope he’s not going to try and get us a discount,“ said George.

I nodded in agreement. “Quick. Try and pretend you’re not with him.“

In a flash, George was browsing the leaflets on local attractions, while I had nipped through a convenient wormhole to start perusing the notice board by the dining room. One announcement immediately caught my eye: “Open bar reception. 8pm. Connaught room.“ It said little else. One assumed that it was a closed event, but the open bar had captured my attention. I started reading through the other notices, trying to work out what event I had to claim to be part of in order to get in.

“Are you here for the conference too?“

“Blargl,“ I said smoothly as I turned round to face my accuser. She was petite and blonde and had the most disarming smile I’d ever seen.

“Sorry,“ she said, still grinning. “I didn’t mean to startle you.“

“Blargl,“ I repeated. I realised I wasn’t making much of an impression so I tried again. “Sorry,“ I said. “I find it hard to speak coherently with my stomach still in my mouth. I didn’t notice you there.“

“Clearly. You seemed absorbed in reading the agenda. I’d never realised it could make such fascinating reading.“

“Well, I wouldn’t say fascinating. Maybe mildly scintillating.“

“It’s the fact that they’ve misprinted half the entries. It adds a sense of mystery to the proceedings. Hopefully they’ll go through it properly at the reception, otherwise I’m going to have a slightly difficult weekend. If my itinerary is correct, I’ve got fifteen lectures booked into the cloakroom at 11am tomorrow morning and the rest of the weekend checking in my luggage. I mean, it’s possible that all of the lectures are at the same time, but it would make them pretty hard to follow.“

“Not to mention crowded,“ I added.

She thought about it for a second, then smiled again.

“So…“

Suddenly, George and Harry were on either side of me. Harry had a face like thunder.

“Come on,“ he said crossly. “We’re going to our rooms.“

“He tried to get a discount,“ explained George.

“And I would have done so, if you hadn’t dragged me away just as I was closing the deal.“

“I had to stop him,“ said George. “He’d already haggled them up to twice the price if they let us keep the bathrobes. If I hadn’t pulled him away he was going to start negotiating the price of room service.“

“We never use room service,“ I pointed out.

“We would have if you’d let me sort out a decent price,“ muttered Harry.

“Come on,“ said George. “Why don’t we all go to our rooms and we’ll meet back here for dinner?“

“Okay,“ I said. “Just give me one minute. I want to…“ But when I turned around the girl was gone.

“Want to what?“ asked George.

“Nothing,“ I replied. “Absolutely nothing at all.“