Corona Diary: All getting a bit philosophical

Philisophical debates down the pub, when we finally get back to the pub, are never going to be the same again. All the old chestnuts, all the favourites, are useless to us now. If you were trapped inside for months on end with nothing to do, who would you want to be stuck with? What would you do with your time if you didn’t have to go into work every day? Would you risk your life just to get a Mars Bar? There’s no point even discussing them anymore. We know all the answers now.

Admittedly, some of the answers have surprised us. If you were to eat only one food for the rest of your life, what would it be? Who knew the answer would be pasta?

Normally, the essence of the pub debate is to allow us to explore our current situation through the metaphor of something that will never happen, like what would you do if you won the lottery, or how will the country change when we get some decent politicians in charge.

In this spirit, let me introduce some new debates which you can discuss with your friends over skype, or zoom, or just by yelling through the letterbox at passers by, whichever is your preference.

1. If you could travel to any country in the world, which one would it be?

A nice easy one to start with. What far off exotic countries would you like to visit that you’ve never had a chance to. For many young people, the answer is now all of them. A delightful return to the 1970s where France was a treat and Spain was unbelievably exotic. Hopefully, we won’t also return to the point where curries came out of a packet and had raisins in, and avocado was something you painted your bathroom. For a start, where on earth would we get the raisins?

2. When we finally end lockdown, who should be let out first?

This one is slightly more challenging, but does contain the pub debate staple of discovering which of your friends is secretly racist. Clearly, when lockdown ends, not everyone can be let out at once. Since every person I know has declared that the first thing they’ll do when they get out of lockdown is have a ‘bloody big party’ it’s clear we’re going to have to do it on some sort of rota, just so we don’t run out of balloons and twiglets.

3. Are Mitchell and Webb secretly prescient?

Seriously, just Google ‘The Quiz Broadcast’. Have you done it yet? Spooky, huh?

4. What is an ‘essential’ journey?

The hardest question yet. If you’re allowed out for exercise and food shopping, what constitutes essential? Does going out to buy a Twix count as food shopping? Does going out for a five hour bike ride count as your one exercise a day? Some people have claimed that essential journeys include skateboarding, going to the beach and feeding the ducks. But then again, for anyone who wasn’t particularly into jogging or cycling beforehand, a brisk walk is quite a significant amount of exertion. Does exercise cease to be exercise just because you feed some ducks in the middle of it? Other decisions are even more confusing. Our local park closed all but one of the separately fenced off tennis courts. Were the other courts considered non-essential but this one is just fine? Is it okay to play tennis when you can just see joggers and dog walkers but the sight of another person in tennis whites and sweat bands might lead to mass contagion? An inquiring public needs to know.

3. What does ‘outside’ look like?

Does anyone remember. I believe it had trees. And something called ‘conversations’.